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Bokchoy

Tue Jan 22 2008, 02:18AM

Character Name: Choychoy
Class: Hunter

Posts: 107

In anticipation of Super Bowl XLII (in which the entire New York Giants roster will take turns shitting all over Tom Brady's face in front of 304 billion viewers), DW Sports is proud to present the ultimate amalgamation of jockism and nerdism, as World of Warcraft and the National Football League join forces to bring you...

***The 2008 WoW Pro Bowl***

In this four-part special, World of Warcraft NPCs are carefully chosen at each position to represent Azeroth's version of the NFL Pro Bowl. As Lord Victor Nefarius would say... "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"

Part I: Coaching Staff

Head Coach: Instructor Razuvious - His rigorous training regimen and domineering personality would make him the perfect head coach. It takes a no-bullshit, disciplinarian-style, old-school coach to keep a football team full of know-it-all superstars in line and lead them to championship glory. The only thing he's missing is Bill Belichick's camcorder. "The time for practice is over! Show me what you've learned!"

Offensive Coordinator - Gothik the Harvester - For an offensive coordinator, the keys to a potent offense is having a wide variety of plays in his arsenal, an unpredictabile array of set plays and intelligent use of limited resources. Although Gothik the Harvester is capable of absolutely none of these things, he gets the job done when it comes to exploiting the weaknesses of the defense, aka dumbshit Mages who can't survive without /assist'ing off of Rogues, dumbshit Priests who apparently can't count to four, and Pyker.

Defensive Coordinator: Jaina Proudmoore - She has a very impressive resume, most notably, her role in directing the defense of the Alliance camp in the battle for Mount Hyjal. She is well-known for pioneering many key philosophies in the art of football defense ("Hold them back as long as possible!") and is unrivalled when it comes to predicting a rush up the gut after it has already happened ("They've broken through!").

[ Edited Tue Jan 22 2008, 03:22AM ]

Bokchoy

Tue Jan 22 2008, 02:19AM

Character Name: Choychoy
Class: Hunter

Posts: 107

Part II: Special Teams

Kick Returner: Battleguard Sartura - For starters, with three mini-versions of herself, Sartura comes with her own wedge. Secondly, she possesses the acceleration, speed and agility to dodge and break tackles and reliably provide the offense with good starting field position. Thirdly, once she gets going, there ain't nothing you can really do, except for this: (clicky)

Placekicker: Archimonde the Defiler - It was inevitable that the uberest of the Eredar would make the cut. Archimonde starts as kicker for the team. Not only will he be able to kick 75-yard field goals without fail, but if the offensive line falters and a couple of defenders get close enough to block the field goal attempt, they too will be flying through the uprights along with the football.

Punter: Ragnaros - Despite being completely stationary, the firelord makes his football debut as a WoW Pro Bowler. He has the pinpoint accuracy for short punt situations, great distance and hangtime for long punt situations, and a big fucking hammer for when he's the lone defender in the backfield against a long kickoff return. "Devin Hester is back to receive the kick. Hester breaks a tackle. He's got some room! He's at the 40. He's at the 30. Ragnaros crits Devin Hester for 6084 points of Fire damage. Devin Hester dies."

[ Edited Thu Jan 24 2008, 11:56AM ]

Bokchoy

Tue Jan 22 2008, 02:19AM

Character Name: Choychoy
Class: Hunter

Posts: 107

Part III: Offense

Offensive Line: Vaandar Stormpike and the Dun Buldar Marshals - If you've done at least one Alterac Valley before, you'd know that getting a Horde raid past these guys is often like trying to get a bunch of retards onto a school bus. If the impregnable defense of Vaandar's bunker could literally reduce forty grown men to tears, just think about how easily and effortlessly these guys could stop a mere nine-man suicide blitz from getting anywhere close to their quarterback.

Runningback: Warchief Thrall - Like many Runningbacks in the NFL, Thrall found his football talent while trying to stay out of jail. In Escape from Durnholde Keep, he runs like he's fucking possessed. When three guards try to stop him, he just steamrolls over all of them, occasionally stopping to rub his big Orc cock all over their faces, and then keeps going. Move over, LaDainian. The Warchief has arrived!

Fullback: Patchwerk - Patchwerk want to play. In fact, his desire to play has landed him a spot on the WoW Pro Bowl roster. He's really big and really really fat. It takes four heavily-armored tanks just to contain him, and seven minutes to bring him to the ground. Basically, he's Jerome Bettis.

Wide Receiver: Mother Shahraz - Football often boils down to mathematics, and the logic behind this choice is very mathematically sound.
Six hands = fewer dropped passes.
Six hands = fewer fumbles.
Six hands = the ability to stiff-arm five defenders at a time.
Need I say more?

Tight End: Illidan Stormrage - A tight-end needs to have above-average strength for blocking, explosive speed for outrunning linebackers, and soft hands for catching bullet passes up the middle. Instead, Illidan has two swords that summon green fiery thingies, laser beams that come out of his eyes, and an army of angry killer tomatoes. He may not match the traditional profile of the superstar Tight End, but Illidan has the potential to revolutionize the position in a way that perhaps the NFL is not prepared for.

Quarterback: Lord Victor Nefarius - Dedication is important at QB. While it has lost its meaning in recent events, it certainly has not with the Lord of Blackrock. His unwavering will towards achieving victory will most definitely serve his team well. You won't find him partying in Mexico with his celebrity girlfriend before a big playoff game or getting thrown in jail for running a dogfighting ring in his backyard. This guy definitely has his shit together and is a QB worth building a franchise around.

[ Edited Fri Jan 25 2008, 10:59PM ]

Bokchoy

Tue Jan 22 2008, 02:20AM

Character Name: Choychoy
Class: Hunter

Posts: 107

Part IV: Defense

Defensive Line: Reliquary of Souls - Starting at the left end is Essence of Suffering. He excels at fixating on a QB or RB and stops at nothing to bring him down. He spits in the face of 100% dodge. The central scouting report predicts that he will be a perennial league leader in sacks.

Essence of Anger takes the nose tackle position, as he is the biggest of the bunch. Attempting to double-tank him causes him to grow in size, attack faster, and run around, fucking everybody up. Death Wish has once learned this the hard way. Poor Handoverfist & Twys.

Essence of Desire rounds up the defensive line at the right end. The battle between the defensive line and the opposing team's offensive line is often a battle of attrition. EoD has the uncanny ability to wittle down the enemy's will to fight. Furthermore, she also has this mysterious knack for making her opponents jump the gun, causing false starts (and kicked Deadens). Amirite, Rogues? AMIRITE?!

Linebackers: Hamuul Runetotem, Magatha Grimtotem, Cairne Bloodhoof, Baine Bloodhoof
To be honest, I wanted four fat, ugly cows at the linebacker position but since Adalius Thomas, Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel and Junior Seau aren't NPCs in World of Warcraft, I had to settle for four Tauren.

Defensive Backs: Gadgetzan Bruiser & Booty Bay Bruiser - Before you step foot in a raid instance, learn to ride a flying mount, or even hit level 60, there is a lesson that every WoW player learns very early and quickly: The bruisers will fuck you up. There is no running, no hiding, no swimming and no fighting back. They will net you and they will beat your ass. It's taken a while for them to fully mature into Pro Bowl calibre NPCs, but now that they've received three years of buffs from Blizz, any receiver would be hard pressed to beat either of these guys in man-to-man coverage.

Strong Safety: Crimson Courier - The element of surprise is the deadliest weapon a Strong Safety can have. I'm sure you've all experienced this before: You're picking some herbs in EPL, maybe doing quests, or perhaps enjoying your peaceful Kodo-ride to the Naxx raid, without a single worry on your mind. Next thing you know, you're laying face down in the ditch, with Crimson Courier shitstains all over your face. Just when you think you're safe. BAM! You're fucked. Whether you're a QB throwing a simple pass to a seemingly-open man, or a WR making an easy catch&run for the TD, the Crimson Courier will come out of literally nowhere and pick you off, just like he always does.

Free Safety: Thaladred the Darkener - From my experience with him, his ability to change his targets is sudden and COMPLETELY unpredictable. Each time he starts chasing after someone new and subsequently one-shots them, it takes ABSOLUTELY everyone by surprise, like as if he has NEVER EVER fucking done that before. Even at a maximum run speed of 1.3 miles per hour, he somehow catches up to retards and flattens them before they even knew what hit them. This, my friends, is the description of the perfect free safety.

....and this concludes the Wow Pro Bowl Roster. GO GIANTS GO!

[ Edited Wed Jan 30 2008, 01:33AM ]

Jydlen

Tue Jan 22 2008, 02:48AM

I probably think you're a shitty...

Makes Movies!

Character Name: Jydlen
Class: Priest

Posts: 375

you should just reactivate and play again, gdam

Cutesybutton

Tue Jan 22 2008, 04:01AM

Death Wish Officer

Character Name: Cutesybutton
Class: Warrior

Posts: 128

they've broken through

If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

Durim

Wed Jan 23 2008, 10:23PM

Character Name: durim
Class: Warrior

Posts: 35

Although Gothik the Harvester is capable of absolutely none of these things, he gets the job done when it comes to exploiting the weaknesses of the defense, aka dumbshit Mages who can't survive without /assist'ing off of Rogues, dumbshit Priests who apparently can't count to four, and Pyker.

qft

AAAAH